Sunday, September 30, 2007
bodyparts 42
too much again....
now im tired of being enough
fed up with silence
with emptyness
standing here capable
struggleing managing lifting myself
big and strong as always
sufficient enough
nobody taught me to be weak
to be taken care of
lifted on strong hands
and put down carefully
nobody told me to relax
carried my books or grocery bags
lifted the weight from my shoulders
nobody offered to stand by my side
when the wind blew cold
and the walls fell down
so if there is nothing in it for me
then why dont you all just shut up
im fed up with comments of loudness
with questions of justification
disrespect
glances on size
whispers in front
and behind my back
enough of the ignorance
the judging of what isnt me
now im building the fences
preparing defenses
deleting provocations
provoking your senses
if you want me to be close
if you need me and my noice
then you better give good reasons
for my love
then the circle is closed
when theres nobody here
to teach or to hold
to lift or to care
im the one standing
big and strong as always
capable and sufficient enough
getting rougher on my outside
to be smoother for myself
within
Friday, September 21, 2007
bodyparts 41
i am skin today
just skin
soft, pale, very tense
underneath are claws of anger
moving slowly up and down
you can see them pressing firmly up against
such a sharp persistent movement
in an anger that's held down
i am skin today
just skin
dark, gleaming, very thin
flickering from my lust
glistening hot
my need my want
slowly burning like a fire underneath
what high flames and crashing lightnings
from a pressed down yearning heat
i am skin today
just skin
very fragile, blistered, bruised
stretched out thin above
a boiling mix of
fears and tears
like an ocean with long waves and silent deeps
there was never any trust
in an ocean with that taste
i am skin today
just skin
waiting for a touch, a blow
and nobody will be sure
if it strikes, if it burns
or if it all just sucks you in
i wouldn't even know myself
cause today
i am just skin
bodyparts 40
desperatly trying
to figure out the puzzle
the pieces
and the whole
the connection of them all
how the swelling makes it harder
to figure out the space
how the holes they cover up
should be a part
of all this mess
i don't remember what i did when i was 5
no feelings, no emotions
no body to feel through
but she remembers me
she does never forget
in my dream the other night
she was knocking on my door
in a flooding light, all white
they were all standing outside
the wounded and the hurt
she was small
the girl who knocked
with a hole
straight through her chest
and a bleeding that i knew i couldn't stop
i took her in
i held her up
i was looking at her wounds
wondering how long
we can survive without a heart
still not knowing what to do
i did put her aside
, as i have always done
attending others
i imagined i could heal
i worked all night
wrapping bandaids
making room
turning my inside, upside down
for one more way to help
at the end i noticed her, still
lying where i put her down
i should at least have tried
to press my heart
inside that hole
i still don't remember
what we did when we were 5
i've been hiding it so well
all that bleeding
all that hurt
but she keeps knocking now and then
or shouting from within
making me slowly getting closer
with the puzzle
of my parts
bodyparts 39
mating, relating, the love maze n shit
to get very close
without
feeling bad
from embarrasing hair
to get
in there
tight
between thighs
without feeling
trapped
n just kicking back
or fear
to be kicked
as might be the case
to give all i have
without losing
a thing
specially not
selfrespect
to grow
n the glow
to raise from the low
i've got friends
A (from the low)
B (start to grow)
n C (total glow)
who said it can happen
from giving up shit
from looking real deep
from just being there
when the right one
walks in
they say it is love
or a similar
state of mind
as they all flip their hair
n laugh with their eyes
i do trust my friends
n the way that they glow
but i don't trust codes
learning
trix or a way
to figure out how
who n why
doing what
the pure art of guiding
(called strategy)
reading signs
eating spice
flipping sides
turning round
or bow to the moon
doesn't help
i can tell
instead it could be
to see gaps
not dark holes
to slide in
to be there
to feed
the hunger
for real
to drink
every cup
of love that i get
n then pour me some more
please!
fill it up to the rim!
set me free from the trap
of neglect
bodyparts 38
i had let the wind in
swept out the dust
shook all the carpets
and polished the knives
(to sharpen them another day)
glasses, still containing multi coloured fluids
if for treatment or seduction i dont know
they went back on the shelf
for another lonesame day
when experimenting is less risky
then with the dust cloth ready
miracle polish spray at hand
i went to clean the mirrors
all turned against the wall
by the former owner
i know that she was me as well!
but i had this idea of changes
some kind of overthrow
of rulers of the mind
now being less intimidated
by those images of self
cause i took certain treatments, i'm sure i did
forgot both how and why by now
flew far to get more insight
walked both uphill and away
there should have been
some kind of transition
a clarity within
but there it was....
still blistered buckled bruised
and without any further warning
not even given time to inhale
it took me on a ride
4 seconds flat
from heaven to hell
i just opened
all the windows again
shook the dust
out of my hair
will now sharpen those knives
.
.
.
.
bodyparts 36
bodyparts 35
there are days
of total distortion
when it all swirls around emotions
gaps and holes of fear
opening beneath my feet
....inhale.....
then move away
safe in the movement
but still walking on razorblades
those sharp edges of guilt
from blade to blade
each breath sucked down in every depth
from guilt to fear and back again
a different walk
not walking away but walking not to fall
cutting every step new
no voice to silence this
no courage to break lose
falling, the only way to move away
so finally i fall and watch me falling
as if there is no time
...release....
.
.
.
.
then sleep again
bodyparts 34
now it's about the balance!
once again?
isn't that what i've been doing
all this time
standing on the edge
holding myself up
with the balance act
of a tightrope dancer
with the rope
around my neck
dont fall!
dont ever fall
didn't i always walk with one foot over the cliff
holding on to grass and dirt
always on the edge
looked down that abyss
so many times
it feels like home
i even fell once
all the way
at least one i remember all the way
landed on those sharp
tiny pieces
from mirrors
that fell with me
i got scars!
but i already had them
once the skin is torn
the amount
doesn't matter much
it bleeds
then scratched
as it heals
not to be forgotten
i know about
scars and
the importance of balance
this balance
is something else
balancing on nothing
falling
cause i won't object it
cause there is nothing
to hold on to
no need for it
, im told,
i will stand absolutely still
this time
if i let go
no movement
at all
exept one
the growing
of love
bodyparts 33
i walk and walk away
my new technique to find myself,
under the weight
and then i leave what i just found
with the next step
simply just walking off
from holding on and hoping for
throwing away what might be lost
leaving the fear
of being left
even the love i feel
is thrown over my shoulder
leaving the weigt of care
this burdon that i didnt know
the burdon to hold on
no need to carry thoughts
to save it all just to feel safe
so i walk away from memories
from gathering of dreams
throwing away both good and bad
i strip clean
down to my bones
and leave it all right there
what a relief
to naked walk away
more vulnerable?
oh, yes much more!
but releasing my soul
*
bodyparts 32
playing with myself again
the lazy game of watching
curves and shapes
forms and shades
the magic of a body
of making image out of flesh
a cover spreading wide
playing playing playing
where my fingers know each curve and shape
my eyes still get amazed
i know a guy who loves my thigh
another dreams of boobs
each piece is valued for its joy
i love how they're combined
how i can reach a creamy part
by following a line
then fall down in a pit of warmth
a slope of rough
to pass upon
tracing a hard followed by soft
all ending in a bend
i wish it was an easy game
to also play together
to, without fear of getting stuck
or stung or burned or branded
play the game of feeling all
where my curves and body ends
yours will follow
bodyparts 31
bodyparts 30
i hear the sun fall through my window this morning
waiting for birds ......
they are too busy today
ripped between that silent crash and the hurries of life
i decide to pick up where i left
walking slowly
inside
without the body weight
time keeps on kicking
adding bruises to my guts
so i wriggle myself free
with a deep sigh falling back into the light
luckily lost
between the in n out of breaths
as i leave my body
floating peacefully inside
then i clean the kitchen stove
have some thoughts about the laundry
fold fiftyseven papers
then drop dead
once again
wanting to live guilt free
being able to let go
keep on falling with the sunshine
letting laundry piles just grow
.
.
now the birds are singing evening songs for me
bodyparts 29
as im digging scratching diving
skin or soul deep
feeling sensing being
the body is my marker
of both time and space
so when timeless and outspaced
when nothing replaces the one
what is then appropriate
to show?
a bit of flesh?
or just a thought
a hint of shapes behind the mind?
the image gets distorted anyway
becomes a dream of lights
inside the eye
i still caress the softest parts
and carry on the weight
i move my bits 'n pieces
as i scratch 'n dig 'n dive
bodyparts 28
to embrace
the body and the self
it shouldnt be harder
than caressing a hidden chestnut
smoothly sliding fingers
over soft n silky surface
with care
it couldnt be more difficult
than touching the fallen peony petal
feeling the still bright
weightless velvet fragility
with joy
embracing
the body and the self,
hidden and fragile
covered in its scars and shame,
with love
bodyparts 27
then i stop
in this awkward position
with the legs kinda stiff
not really suitable for walking
a hovering feeling
of uncertainty and choices
even if they all
are encouraging my walks
its not the goal that is important
i have to chose which way to go
i have to move and leave behind
cause standing still
will always take me back
bodyparts 26
bodyparts 25
bodyparts 24
it is time
n i've got help
words to kick my butt
to define my direction
"you must see and drop the unhealthy patterns with both hands if you want to be friends with yourself and life
you must be willing to give up everything...
your own life included, to come into alignment with what is
if you are serious and you have had enough pain and wasting time
this is a last chance situation
there may be not much time left and there is a lot to do
.......
there is absolutely nothing to fear"
so here i am
both hands empty
turning a risk
into a chance
bodyparts 22
haven't made love since 1984
in the sunshine, on the floor
that desperate last time
do you remember?
since then, just love
a plainer kind of love
no sex attached to it
then plainer sex
no love combined with it
both styles marketed
examined and performed
messed up by my needs
still wanting it all
in that sunshine
on the floor
bodyparts 21
bodyparts 20
as im asking myself questions
there is a split in opposites
balanced to the ultimate
drawn to the extreme edge
from where i stand
right in between
legs apart over the abyss
a choice to fall or spread out wide
connect my right and left
translations made to understand
answers might not be needed
just silence voiced
the movements stilled
translated to awareness
bodyparts 19
bodyparts 18
bodyparts 17
i realise its all about the light
how i place them
not to far from each other
made up hopes n dreams
fabricated visions
possibilities
like candles, beacons, lanterns, tracers
to make the future somehow visible
bearable
liveable
and yet i know for sure
that i can walk in total darkness
without ever getting lost
the lights are just there
to give it all
a warmer feeling
bodyparts 16
childhood fascination
watching red blood flow
through the smoothest skin
press my flashlight tighter
making fingers glow
(why was it always done in bed?)
as if fingertips held all the magic
the key to sensibility
even long before i knew....
having all the answers
secrets to creativity
the birth place of my words
in that one spot glowing
bodyparts 15
i dont mind the beauty of seamless people
the treasures found in gifted brains
i wont hide admiration for talented minds
or souls, weightlessly floating on air
watching them carefully
listening close
changing their sounds into words
to a map on my body n skin
now i easily follow each line as i move
never once getting lost
understanding the meaning of life as it is
a map translated by me
bodyparts 14
wondering in a circle
the necessity to move in orbit
avoiding collission with the stars
those taking advantage of every darkness
making it into their background
to shine against as suns
i use their light
to outline my dark sides
my fears hanging on a line
as wet sheets flapping in the night
attracting only hunting bats
bodyparts 12
Monday, August 13, 2007
bodyparts 11
bodyparts 10
bodyparts 9
bodyparts 8
bodyparts 7
what is truth?
is it images i get when opening my eyes
or those i see with my eyes closed?
is it the words i hear from right n left
or the words inside my head?
is it the figure standing on the ground
or the shadow stretched in front of it?
is it the logic my brain supplies
or emotions that my body feels?
is there truth at all?
is there anything at all?
or are we just playing in front of mirrors
seeing nothing but ourselves
reversed?
.
.
.
.
bodyparts 6
bodyparts 5
bodyparts 4
bodyparts 3
bodyparts 2
bodyparts 1
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