bodyparts 47

i'm missing a feeling of motion
a dancing in my back
a jumping in my knee caps
the twentytwo loops i could swirl around a field

i know it used to be there
like a freedom in my hips
like a promise in my backbone
elevation in my feet

but i put it all away
in a place long since forgotten
and for some now unknown reason
labeled it "old slash broken"

now gathering signs and clues and traces
to find the way back to my motions
left behind for resurrection
in a body without shame

bodyparts 46, of a different kind

hermes and me

i made up my mind some time ago
and when i finally figured it out
the pieces fell into their place
everything i struggle with daily
condensed into one image
tatooed on my feet

i always needed to care more for my feet,
i need to care more about all of me as well but my feet.....they need more,
cause they always get less

wings, just like hermes had his,
even if he had his on his sandals and not on his feet
to make me understand that i earned them,
to make me remember that i can go anywhere i want to,
reach higher than i think,
to make me not fear my visibility,
adding a bit of my inside on my outside,
reminding me that this is for me without the need of approval or appreciation,
setting my boundaries where i want them and where i need them

Hermes the Olympian god
of boundaries and of the travelers who cross them,
of shepherds and cowherds,
of thieves and road travelers,
of orators and wit,
of literature and poets,
of athletics,
of weights and measures,
of invention,
of general commerce,
and of the cunning of thieves and liars

bodyparts 45

mother to mother
daughter to daughter
already done before i begun
born in a dream of rebirth

in a story made from old scrap
on a road leading up to the past
mending this past with the future
covering gaps as we go

then passing it on down the line
the big hope and great fear
every goal that been spent
all the rules that were bent

mother to mother
daughter to daughter
scratched from the ground
burnt hard by the sun

fully fed to cover their hunger
from years of denial
then shaped to fit in the dream
squeezed to grow taller than all

in the need of perfect perfection
the legacy tied to our bones
with our roots uplifted and trimmed
and the body a hole to be filled

bodyparts 44

with my eyes closed
i keep it outside
whatever it is i don't need
wherever i feel i can't reach
whoever it was i didn't reach
whoever it was i could need

it takes hard work
to keep it all out
to look as if sleeping
to look satisfied

it takes a long time
to become satisfied
in spite of closed eyes

it takes all the energy left
to reject the need felt
or to reach

until my bodyparts fall into place....

posting an old piece
it's more the inside than my parts
it's what keeps the body moving
a piece from a poetry writing challenge
the challenge was to write a poem from a-z
the first letter of each line forming the alphabet
i do love games like that!
this is also the poem pasted on my neck on my profile pic

arriving to zenith

again i sit down to play with myself
body in tension
contraction, sensation
digging a hole through my inner defence
entangled in
fear

going to places that cannot be found
hidden on maps
impious, voluptuous
jamming the sounds of my subconciousness
kneedeep in
lust

making a promise from the state i am in
never to let go
of my energyflow
protecting the essence of sublime existence
quivering in
raunch

subbtle yet profound the climax is near
tickling my nerves
ultimate encounter
vigorously embraced and mentally squashed
wrapped in
xylonite

yearning for next time with forces unknown, i pull up my
zip

bodyparts 43

still walking


i walked a long way,
from endless oceans
through dead woods
crossing high bridges naked

guided by words and silence
invisible maps in crazy dreams,
i walked a long way
to get from now to now

there are still lions walking
under the apple trees
the grass still thick and green
but much closer than before

bodyparts 42

too much again....
now im tired of being enough
fed up with silence
with emptyness
standing here capable
struggleing managing lifting myself
big and strong as always
sufficient enough

nobody taught me to be weak
to be taken care of
lifted on strong hands
and put down carefully
nobody told me to relax
carried my books or grocery bags
lifted the weight from my shoulders
nobody offered to stand by my side
when the wind blew cold
and the walls fell down

so if there is nothing in it for me
then why dont you all just shut up
im fed up with comments of loudness
with questions of justification
disrespect
glances on size
whispers in front
and behind my back
enough of the ignorance
the judging of what isnt me

now im building the fences
preparing defenses
deleting provocations
provoking your senses
if you want me to be close
if you need me and my noice
then you better give good reasons
for my love

then the circle is closed
when theres nobody here
to teach or to hold
to lift or to care
im the one standing
big and strong as always
capable and sufficient enough
getting rougher on my outside
to be smoother for myself
within

bodyparts 41

i am skin today
just skin
soft, pale, very tense
underneath are claws of anger
moving slowly up and down
you can see them pressing firmly up against

such a sharp persistent movement
in an anger that's held down

i am skin today
just skin
dark, gleaming, very thin
flickering from my lust
glistening hot
my need my want
slowly burning like a fire underneath

what high flames and crashing lightnings
from a pressed down yearning heat

i am skin today
just skin
very fragile, blistered, bruised
stretched out thin above
a boiling mix of
fears and tears
like an ocean with long waves and silent deeps

there was never any trust
in an ocean with that taste

i am skin today
just skin
waiting for a touch, a blow
and nobody will be sure
if it strikes, if it burns
or if it all just sucks you in
i wouldn't even know myself

cause today
i am just skin

bodyparts 40

desperatly trying
to figure out the puzzle
the pieces
and the whole
the connection of them all

how the swelling makes it harder
to figure out the space
how the holes they cover up
should be a part
of all this mess

i don't remember what i did when i was 5
no feelings, no emotions
no body to feel through
but she remembers me
she does never forget

in my dream the other night
she was knocking on my door
in a flooding light, all white
they were all standing outside
the wounded and the hurt

she was small
the girl who knocked
with a hole
straight through her chest
and a bleeding that i knew i couldn't stop

i took her in
i held her up
i was looking at her wounds
wondering how long
we can survive without a heart

still not knowing what to do
i did put her aside
, as i have always done
attending others
i imagined i could heal

i worked all night
wrapping bandaids
making room
turning my inside, upside down
for one more way to help

at the end i noticed her, still
lying where i put her down
i should at least have tried
to press my heart
inside that hole

i still don't remember
what we did when we were 5
i've been hiding it so well
all that bleeding
all that hurt

but she keeps knocking now and then
or shouting from within
making me slowly getting closer
with the puzzle
of my parts

bodyparts 39

mating, relating, the love maze n shit

to get very close

without

feeling bad

from embarrasing hair

to get

in there

tight

between thighs

without feeling

trapped

n just kicking back

or fear

to be kicked

as might be the case

to give all i have

without losing

a thing

specially not

selfrespect

to grow

n the glow

to raise from the low

i've got friends

A                  (from the low)

B                  (start to grow)

n C               (total glow)

who said it can happen

from giving up shit

from looking real deep

from just being there

when the right one

walks in

they say it is love

or a similar

state of mind

as they all flip their hair

n laugh with their eyes

i do trust my friends

n the way that they glow

but i don't trust codes

learning

trix or a way

to figure out how

who n why

doing what

the pure art of guiding

(called strategy)

reading signs

eating spice

flipping sides

turning round

or bow to the moon

doesn't help

i can tell

instead it could be

to see gaps

not dark holes

to slide in

to be there

to feed

the hunger

for real

to drink

every cup

of love that i get

n then pour me some more

please!

fill it up to the rim!

set me free from the trap
of neglect

bodyparts 38

i had let the wind in
swept out the dust
shook all the carpets
and polished the knives
(to sharpen them another day)

glasses, still containing multi coloured fluids
if for treatment or seduction i dont know
they went back on the shelf
for another lonesame day
when experimenting is less risky

then with the dust cloth ready
miracle polish spray at hand
i went to clean the mirrors
all turned against the wall
by the former owner

i know that she was me as well!
but i had this idea of changes
some kind of overthrow
of rulers of the mind
now being less intimidated
by those images of self

cause i took certain treatments, i'm sure i did
forgot both how and why by now
flew far to get more insight
walked both uphill and away
there should have been
some kind of transition
a clarity within

but there it was....

still blistered buckled bruised
and without any further warning
not even given time to inhale
it took me on a ride
4 seconds flat
from heaven to hell



i just opened
all the windows again
shook the dust
out of my hair

will now sharpen those knives
.

.

.

.

bodyparts 37

nothing serious
just moving in these circles
trying to get a grip
......
of myself


.


.

bodyparts 36

compared....
with what and who
when one moment is
like no moment before
when one image is
like no image before
when i am not the same
from breathing in
to breathing out
how can i then
compare myself with you

bodyparts 35

there are days
of total distortion
when it all swirls around emotions

gaps and holes of fear
opening beneath my feet
....inhale.....
then move away

safe in the movement
but still walking on razorblades
those sharp edges of guilt

from blade to blade
each breath sucked down in every depth
from guilt to fear and back again

a different walk
not walking away but walking not to fall
cutting every step new

no voice to silence this
no courage to break lose
falling, the only way to move away

so finally i fall and watch me falling
as if there is no time
...release....

.

.

.

.

then sleep again

bodyparts 34

now it's about the balance!
once again?
isn't that what i've been doing
all this time
standing on the edge
holding myself up
with the balance act
of a tightrope dancer
with the rope
around my neck
dont fall!
dont ever fall

didn't i always walk with one foot over the cliff
holding on to grass and dirt
always on the edge
looked down that abyss
so many times
it feels like home

i even fell once
all the way
at least one i remember all the way
landed on those sharp
tiny pieces
from mirrors
that fell with me
i got scars!

but i already had them
once the skin is torn
the amount
doesn't matter much
it bleeds
then scratched
as it heals
not to be forgotten
i know about
scars and
the importance of balance

this balance
is something else
balancing on nothing
falling
cause i won't object it
cause there is nothing
to hold on to
no need for it
, im told,
i will stand absolutely still
this time
if i let go
no movement
at all
exept one

the growing
of love

bodyparts 33

i walk and walk away
my new technique to find myself,
under the weight
and then i leave what i just found
with the next step

simply just walking off
from holding on and hoping for
throwing away what might be lost
leaving the fear
of being left

even the love i feel
is thrown over my shoulder
leaving the weigt of care
this burdon that i didnt know
the burdon to hold on

no need to carry thoughts
to save it all just to feel safe
so i walk away from memories
from gathering of dreams
throwing away both good and bad

i strip clean
down to my bones
and leave it all right there
what a relief
to naked walk away

more vulnerable?
oh, yes much more!
but releasing my soul



*

bodyparts 32

playing with myself again
the lazy game of watching
curves and shapes
forms and shades
the magic of a body
of making image out of flesh
a cover spreading wide

playing playing playing
where my fingers know each curve and shape
my eyes still get amazed
i know a guy who loves my thigh
another dreams of boobs
each piece is valued for its joy
i love how they're combined

how i can reach a creamy part
by following a line
then fall down in a pit of warmth
a slope of rough
to pass upon
tracing a hard followed by soft
all ending in a bend

i wish it was an easy game
to also play together
to, without fear of getting stuck
or stung or burned or branded
play the game of feeling all
where my curves and body ends
yours will follow

bodyparts 31

looking back
the image is never the same
the load i carry
always invisible
almost imaginary

how can an image become such a weight?

a change of posture
change of focus
the image change again
looking back
its never the same
.
.
.
.
.

as back then

bodyparts 30

i hear the sun fall through my window this morning
waiting for birds ......
they are too busy today

ripped between that silent crash and the hurries of life
i decide to pick up where i left
walking slowly
inside
without the body weight

time keeps on kicking
adding bruises to my guts
so i wriggle myself free
with a deep sigh falling back into the light

luckily lost
between the in n out of breaths
as i leave my body
floating peacefully inside

then i clean the kitchen stove
have some thoughts about the laundry
fold fiftyseven papers
then drop dead
once again

wanting to live guilt free
being able to let go
keep on falling with the sunshine
letting laundry piles just grow

.

.

now the birds are singing evening songs for me

bodyparts 29

as im digging scratching diving
skin or soul deep
feeling sensing being

the body is my marker
of both time and space

so when timeless and outspaced
when nothing replaces the one
what is then appropriate
to show?

a bit of flesh?
or just a thought
a hint of shapes behind the mind?

the image gets distorted anyway
becomes a dream of lights
inside the eye

i still caress the softest parts
and carry on the weight
i move my bits 'n pieces
as i scratch 'n dig 'n dive